


Don't Tell Me This Is All For Nothing

by plotholes_ahead



Series: Chaos and Art [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Thrawn Series - Timothy Zahn (2017)
Genre: Alien Biology, Angst, Childhood Trauma, Chiss Ascendancy (Star Wars), Convoluted Chiss Families, Drama, Eli Throwing Things Is A Mood, Exthrassperated, If Eli Doesn't Do It, Implied Unwilling Participant, M/M, Masturbation in Shower, References To Past Smut, Sad Fluff, Scientific Research, Sex Memories, Tags May Change, Thrass Might Punch Thrawn on Eli's Behalf, Thrass The Hype Man, Thrawn And His Secrets, Thrawn Doesn't Even Drink Tea, is that a thing?, so much drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:53:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24033844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plotholes_ahead/pseuds/plotholes_ahead
Summary: Set prior to the events of Just Lead Me Home, this story encompasses bits and pieces of Eli’s time in the Ascendancy; the course of his endearing relationship with Thrawn’s brother, and his (mostly) single-handed bold decision that will alter the future of his and Thrawn’s life together, if and when the fallen prodigy ever returns home.
Relationships: Thrass | Mitth'ras'safis & Eli Vanto, Thrawn | Mitth'raw'nuruodo/Eli Vanto
Series: Chaos and Art [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1733725
Comments: 40
Kudos: 76





	1. Cold As Csilla

**Author's Note:**

> _Eli jumped when one of the large double doors behind him opened and Mitth’ras’safis entered. He stood…and faltered at the strange familiarity of the Chiss’s features. He suppressed the unnerving flare of sudden attraction. This man was _not_ Thrawn.  
> “My apologizes…”  
> Eli’s throat tightened. The sound of his voice was different, but if he used the same vocabulary as Thrawn…  
> “I thank you for your patience,” Mitth’ras’safis said. “Welcome. I am Syndic Mitth’ras’safis, but you knew that. You are Lieutenant Eli’van’to.”_

Ice. There was ice everywhere. It was much like sand, Eli Vanto thought. Particles would pelt his face whenever the bone chilling wind picked up. He’d find stray pieces inside the hood of his jacket or inside his boots. Decent sized chunks would some times fall from the side of caves, breaking off bits of ice from the ground, the pieces sliding across it. Eli had learned very quickly to stay clear of the walls for fear of being clobbered over the head. He’d also learned very quickly that he didn’t like ice, or glaciers, or being cold at all, really. The glowering expression he now wore, as he stared out at the miles of glaciers and frigid cold landscape, was a testament to that. 

The _Steadfast_ had touched down on Csilla only twice over the course of the five months Eli had been with the Ascendancy.

Once, to finalize some legal documents stating that he was – surprise - an alien to these worlds and would not be permitted the same rights as his Chiss counterparts, but in fact had a completely separate set of laws.

The second time was for a three-day leave where he immediately sought out Syndic Mitth’ras’safis, not knowing how long it would actually take to meet with a busy government official. Turns out: less than 12 hours.

Eli’s former commander and secretly promised bond-mate, Grand Admiral Thrawn of the Imperial Navy, was brother to the Chiss syndic and had coached Eli in how this encounter might play out. All Eli knew for sure was that he had to remain respectful and polite, and _not_ call the syndic ‘Thrass.’ 

He now sat in the syndic’s vast office, the furniture, décor, and wooden desk all laden with variants of deep red, brown, and green. A large fireplace was set into the wall to his right, while the wall to his left housed an entire libraries worth of titles along its length. 

Eli sat in a lavish leather chair, staring out the floor to ceiling window that served as the backdrop of Mitth’ras’safis’s desk. A shiver passed through him. The mere sight of glaciers as far as the eye could see irritated him. But he could do this; Thrawn had asked him to. He reached up and ran his fingers over the pin Thrawn have given him, tucked out of sight in the folds of his tunic. 

Eli jumped when one of the large double doors behind him opened and Mitth’ras’safis entered. He stood…and faltered at the strange familiarity of the Chiss’s features. He suppressed the unnerving flare of sudden attraction. This man was _not_ Thrawn.

“My apologies…”

Eli’s throat tightened. The sound of his voice was different, but if he used the same vocabulary as Thrawn…

“I thank you for your patience,” Mitth’ras’safis said. “Welcome. I am Syndic Mitth’ras’safis, but you knew that. You are Lieutenant Eli’van’to.”

His eyes were not at all welcoming, Eli noted. “Yes. Thank you.”

The Syndic was clad in a long, high collared gray jacket with silver fasteners. A thick burgundy panel ran down the right side of his chest and torso. Eli kept his eyes on the Syndic’s face, resisting the urge to look him up and down and struggling to ignore the fact that his build was only marginally different than Thrawn’s. His long well kept blue-black hair, more black than Thrawn’s, fell gracefully around his shoulders. 

He sat himself behind his desk and Eli carefully began to explain why he had requested an audience with him. 

Eli repeated the exact words Thrawn told him to say, flattering the syndic just enough, while expressing his desire to gather as much information available to him. His former commander had hoped that Eli’s ambition would appeal to the syndic and he would humor him. 

Thrawn had instructed Eli to keep his true intentions concealed for the time being. So Eli kept it short and wrapped up by asking if the syndic would share anything about Chiss politics, and ended with an inquiry about his own legal place in the world. He was just about to offer the Chiss time to think of some resources before getting back to him, when he was interrupted. 

“No,” Mitth’ras’safis said firmly.

Eli recoiled, “Syndic?”

“No, absolutely not,” Mitth’ras’safis said, shaking his head. 

Eli couldn’t be sure who the man was talking to, surely not him. Abruptly, the syndic stood and marched around his desk to the hinged double-doors, “I’m not having any part in this.”

Thrawn had told him to stand firm…

Eli stood, spinning himself out of his chair to follow the syndic, “Would you be swayed differently if it had been Thrawn who asked on my behalf?”

Mitth’ras’safis turned to face him. “I’ve seen this before: Thrawn pushing hard boundaries, wrecking havoc with his self-destructive behavior – which is what led him to be _exiled_ , mind you –“

“His exile was a ruse sanctioned by the Aristocra-“

“His exile was nothing short of the Chiss government’s combined will to rid the Ascendancy of my brother,” Thrass said hotly. “Any political stunt requires a certain degree of finesse and discretion. His recklessness was becoming more than a nuisance; he was becoming a threat to the peace of the Ascendancy and he had to be dealt with. _That_ had been their response. Do not confuse reality with what appeared to be.” 

Eli stood in stunned silence. Had Thrawn known this?

Thrass took a measured breath and continued, “As I was saying, he’s befriended humans before, allowing them to call him by his core name; as if he could stamp honor and propriety even further into the ice.”

Eli resisted the urge to look surprised. Thrawn had failed to mention that he and his brother _definitely_ had some unresolved issues.

“I am sorry you were dragged into this…” Mitth’ras’safis’s voice was quieter now. “But I can not be-”

“Thrawn trusts me,” Eli said defiantly.

“That may be, but _I_ , young human, have no such obligation to you or Thrawn,” Mitth’ras’safis told him as he opened his office door. “Please leave.”

Eli hesitated a moment, but met the syndic at the exit, looked him square in the eye and said quietly, “Thrawn was wrong about you. So much for Chiss hospitality.”

Mitth’ras’safis eyes flashed dangerously in the _exact_ way Thrawn’s did when presented with a challenge; one that he was confident he could overcome.

Eli had been around enough Chiss to know one thing: they were proud people, and their graciousness and sophistication was thought to be unparalleled. All he had to do was push the right buttons.

Eli left the office feeling as though things did not go the way he _or_ Thrawn had planned, but he was also reasonably confident that it wasn’t yet over.


	2. Just 'Eli'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Mitth’ras’safis scoffed, tilting his head to one side with a sneering expression, “Of course I knew. I’m not an idiot, nor are you particularly clandestine. I recognized the affection you held for my brother the moment you jumped to his defense, in the way you said his name…and by the end of our first encounter I was convinced. And he, my dearest brother, would not send anyone other than a most trusted companion to the Ascendancy. And then when I saw our mother’s pin-”_   
>  _Eli felt the blood drain from his face, panic evident on his features. “You saw?”_

It wasn’t even a month later that Eli was back on a Chiss planet. Copero, to be exact.

The _Steadfast_ had been damaged battling a Grysk client. Eli had been making his way to the bridge when the corridor was raked with debris from an exploding asteroid, meant to impact and cripple their ship. It was successful. Large chunks of the hull were torn from the _Steadfast_ , creating a chasm in the side of the ship. As his body somersaulted wildly through the air, careening toward the vacuum of space, the airtight doors slammed shut just before Eli flew through the gap. 

He had gotten lucky, really, but still managed to smash his skull into the protective metal, knocking him out cold.

The nearest planet had been none other than Thrawn’s Family’s home world, to which Eli had never been. When they first arrived, Eli wasn’t entirely confident that he’d be leaving, but after swift and careful medical attention, it was decided that the injured human would make a full recovery. 

Now he lay in his hospital bed, surrounded by biosensor rings. He could hear Admiral Ar’alani’s voice, and a man’s. They were speaking Cheunh. He kept his eyes closed, knowing he would fade quickly back into unconsciousness.

He knew the man’s voice, but he couldn’t place from where. He drifted back to sleep shortly after. 

***

Someone, very annoyingly, was pounding on his door. Eli, slightly frantic, answered the door to his temporary quarters on Copero with a cup of caf in his hand. 

A Chiss man came barging in, arms laden with a box that partially obstructed his face, filled with many datacards and even bound books. Eli couldn’t glimpse the man’s face, but deduced by his gray and burgundy attire who it was.

“Syndic! Uh, hi. Do…do you need help?” Eli asked, trailing after Mitth’ras’safis, concern in his voice.

“You’re not qualified to provide the help I require,” the man mumbled. He dropped the box on the caf table, barely missing Eli’s computer, which the human swiftly snatched to safety.

“What are you doing here?” Eli wondered, trying to sound polite, but also irritated with the man’s intrusion.

“Excuse you,” Mitth’ras’safis snapped as he straightened and rubbed his lower back. “I have a _right_ to be here. The Mitth family lives on Copero. You, on the other hand, are a _guest_ until your ship’s repairs are finished.”

“Fair enough,” Eli said, placing his computer and caf on the side table, out of harms way. He gestured to the box. “So, what is all this?”

Mitth’ras’safis eyed Eli for a moment. He sighed, as if doing this against his better judgment, and then abruptly picked up a paper article and shoved it into Eli’s hands.

Eli glanced up at the Chiss, trying to keep the scowl off his face, and then back down to read: _Alien Rights and Reasons for them: Equality Among the Chiss._

Eli hid his grin. So Mitth’ras’safis had decided to help him gather information after all. He picked up a small data card. After searching for his data pad he popped the card in. An article appeared on his screen: _How Non-Chiss Fit Into Our Great Society._  


He glimpsed Mitth’ras’safis, standing with his arms crossed, looking utterly impatient. 

Eli picked up another piece, cut out from what looked to be a newsletter: _DON’T PANIC: what to do during an alien invasion._

Eli’s eyes narrowed at the syndic following that last title. The man merely raised his eyebrows.

“What is all this?” Eli repeated, shaking his head and motioning towards the box.

“One of your requests when we first spoke were documents pertaining to Non-Chiss. The work was…tedious, but I brought you what I found over the last couple days. Ar’alani said the _Steadfast_ has another week here so you’ll have plenty-“

“You spoke with Ar’alani?” 

“Yes,” Mitth’ras’safis said tightly. “We…speak. Oh, here-“ he dug through the pile. “I daresay you’ll find this one most informative.”

He pushed another document into Eli’s hands. The human read: _Chiss Law: Marriage and the Military._

Eli eyes widened, his cheeks flushing. He tried to play it off, but was unable to even look at Mitth’ras’safis, so he just stared at the article. “Why would you think-”

“Don’t even try,” the Chiss’s voice cracked like a whip. “I expect such deceit from my brother - I am quite familiar with his antics - but I hadn’t guessed he’d be successful in roping someone else into something so stupid.” 

Eli grimaced, struggling to keep the anger out of his voice. “You _knew_?”

Mitth’ras’safis scoffed, tilting his head to one side with a sneering expression, “Of course I knew. I’m not an idiot, nor are you particularly clandestine. I recognized the affection you held for my brother the moment you jumped to his defense, in the way you said his name…and by the end of our first encounter I was convinced. And he, my dearest brother, would not send anyone other than a most trusted companion to the Ascendancy. And then when I saw our mother’s pin-”

Eli felt the blood drain from his face, panic evident on his features. “You _saw_?”

“I hadn’t been _looking_ , but yes.” Mitth’ras’safis said flatly. “I’ve been on Copero for a couple weeks. I was here when your ship came in; smoking. I visited you in the hospital and I saw the pin under a fold of your shirt. Rest assured, I tucked it away as best I could so with any luck, no one else noticed it or knew its symbol. Our mother was a commoner; therefore most people wouldn’t recognize the design. You should not wear that when you’re in uniform, honestly. At least not until you and Thrawn are made public knowledge.” 

Eli was having trouble getting oxygen to his brain, he paced a few steps before practically collapsing into a seat.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he managed finally, keeping his eyes down. “Sorry you had to find out like that.”

Mitth’ras’safis exhaled loudly, gazing down at the helpless human. Then he sat across from him in the opposite armchair. “Thrawn’s idea, no doubt? I don’t blame you. Tell me, Eli’van’to-”

“You don’t have to call me that,” Eli said softly.

Mitth’ras’safis inclined his head. “Very well, Ivant.”

“Just Eli.”

The Chiss knitted his brows.

“That’s my name,” Eli told him. “Back home. I’m just ‘Eli’.”

The other man looked him up and down, as if sizing him up, then continued. “Alright, Eli. Tell me, was the purpose of your union to enhance social standing, was it for love, or did one of you accidentally become pregnant?”

Eli glared at him.

Mitth’ras’safis held up his hands in surrender and leaned back in his seat, “My apologies. It’s a lot to take in – learning your brother wed an alien, then sent him to his _home_ , without him.” 

“We – we’re not married yet.”

The Chiss raised his eyebrows in curiosity. He crossed one leg over the other and folded his hands in his lap, as if settling in for an explanation.

“We’re just…promised to each other, I guess,” Eli’s cheeks felt a tad warm.

Mitth’ras’safis grinned knowingly, a mischievous glint in his eye.

“So he gave you the pin, and then the two of you…”

Eli watched him, confused. Thrass was still eyeing him with knowing curiosity. Then it dawned on him and he gave Thrass an exasperated look, his cheek reddening a bit more, “Does that even matter?”

“Well, it is tradition-”

“That doesn’t prove-“ 

“Your face does,” the syndic said, motioning to his own face with his hand. “Your face says it all.”

Eli rolled his eyes, averting his gaze. He hated how he turned red as a Sith lightsaber when he was embarrassed. 

“All that, yet he sent you here?” Thrass clarified, shaking his head and looking out the window. “Pure class, my brother…such a tool.”

Eli gave him a sharp look. “He’s not. He wanted me safe, and thought the Ascendancy was-”

“A great place to hide you?” Mitth’ras’safis offered, turning his attention back to Eli.

Eli lifted his chin, “A great place for me to lend my assistance, until he returns.”

“To claim you,” the syndic said sarcastically, with an edge of finality that was not meant to be challenged. 

Eli let out a breath then shrugged. “Hopefully to stay,” he said in a small voice.

They fell into an awkward silence. It was bad enough that Thrawn’s brother _knew_ about them, but his disbelief in their relationship made the human feel invalid and perhaps a little naive. 

He breathed in. 

Mitth’ras’safis knew nothing of his and Thrawn’s relationship, and had no right to judge how they’d gotten to where they were, but arguing with him would not help the situation.

“Syndic,” Eli started, his voice kind but also firm. “I apologize for how you found this out, and whatever I did to make you dislike me…it wasn’t my intent. When Thrawn returns, we _will_ be together. I would appreciate it if you did not mock our relationship. I would also appreciate an attempt for us to get along by then.” 

Mitth’ras’safis stared at him for what felt like hours. At first his gaze was appraising, then mildly irritated, and then came to some resolution. 

“Alright,” he finally said. “But I want it noted that I’m not doing it for _Thrawn_.”

A small smile tugged at the corner of Eli’s lips. “I would not expect you to.”

“Right, well,” Mitth’ras’safis said, standing and walking to the door. “You have plenty of reading material to get started with. I’ll leave you to it.”

Eli stood, “Syndic?”

The man stopped and turned, all elegance and grace.

Eli gestured to the box. “Thank you, for helping. And…about your mother’s pin, could you not tell anyone?”

The Chiss snorted. “Like I said…I’m not an idiot. And you’re welcome. Goodbye, human.”


	3. Reach For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _My love,_
> 
> _It has been 264 days. 264 days since this ship has flown without you, 264 days since you have began the next chapter of your life, and 264 days since I have held you in my arms._
> 
> It was _Thrawn_. Eli, awed, looked up at Mitth’ras’safis, his ears feeling hot. “Did you read this?”

Eli stood in Syndic Mitth’ras’safis’s office, staring out the floor to ceiling window. It had been three months since he’d stood here. He could feel the cold emitting from the glass, but was so enthralled with the view of Csilla's frozen landscape that it didn’t bother him. It was growing on him.

He turned when the door to the office opened.

“Ah, the human,” the syndic said.

It used to bother Eli that he called him that, now he took it as a term of twisted endearment. 

“Thank you for coming,” Mitth’ras’safis told him as he stopped at his bar cart on the way in. He poured himself a glass of a dark amber liquid and held the bottle in Eli’s direction in an offer.

Eli grinned, “I assume it’s poor manners to make you drink alone?”

The Chiss all but laughed, “I am a Syndic of the Eighth Ruling Family, dear boy. Drinking alone is a specialty of mine.”

Eli raised his eyebrows.

“But never the less,” Mitth’ras’safis relented. “I wouldn’t mind the company.”

Eli inclined his head in acceptance. The syndic joined him at the window, handing him a glass. The two of them stood in silence for a long moment before Eli turned to him.

“May I ask why you called me here?” Eli said cautiously. “The _Steadfast_ will depart-”

“How is the _Steadfast_?” Mitth’ras’safis asked suddenly, facing him.

_Boring_. Eli wanted to reply. Lately, they had only two run ins with potential threats, but even those turned out to be silent observation or mild confrontation. Mostly Eli just sat around learning Cheunh and crunching numbers.

“It’s been enlightening,” Eli told him, harnessing as much false sincerity as he could.

Mitth’ras’safis smiled at him, seeming to know he wasn’t being entirely truthful. He then started, as if just remembering something. He dug his hand into his burgundy jacket pocket and pulled out a thin, off-white square. Eli realized it to be a hand written letter.

Mitth’ras’safis held it out to him. “This is for you.”

Eli frowned at the square, but took it and flipped it over. There were no markings on it. He glanced up at the other man. The Chiss seemed more reserved than usual. After setting his glass down and unsealing the envelope, Eli read the first lines of the letter. His breath caught.

_My love,_

_It has been 264 days. 264 days since this ship has flown without you, 264 days since you have began the next chapter of your life, and 264 days since I have held you in my arms._

It was _Thrawn_. Eli, awed, looked up at Mitth’ras’safis, his ears feeling hot. “Did you read this?”

The man stared at him. Eli expected either a mock expression, or perhaps downright exasperation. He was not expecting the solemn look that blanketed the Chiss’s features. 

“I have not,” he said softly. Then he turned, gracefully, giving Eli some privacy. If Eli hadn’t been able to see why Mitth’ras’safis had been made a representative of his family’s house before, he understood now. He continued reading.

_Your absence is felt everywhere. I know the crew feels it; they have asked about you. But I, myself, cannot escape the emptiness. Logic dictates I confront the source of my distress, which led me to write you this letter._

_I did not write it in order to inflict gloom upon you. I imagine you are maintaining the same strength and optimism I have witnessed in the past, despite this separation. I suppose I am writing this to infuse my own strength and optimism, even if I am obtaining these things through past memories._

Eli began wandering aimlessly, at a glaciers speed, around the office, weaving in between the couches and chairs and wandering near the fireplace.

_I remember your smile, your laugh, your snide expressions that don’t quite formulate into comments. In truth, what snide comments escaped brought me much joy and I find myself hearing you say them at times. I remember your brilliance, your kindness, your growth, and the pride I feel for you even now; especially now._

_And I remember your eyes, and how you feel…and taste…and smell. Every room, every sound, every texture holds a sense memory of you._

_With remembering the past comes hope for the future; hope that I will once again know these things and much more. We have a life together still ahead of us._

_More than once I have reached out to you only to grasp empty air. But I choose to see the good in that. It means I still crave you. I pray I never stop reaching out. And one day, I will reach you._

_This will likely be the only time you hear from me. I have asked my brother not to have anything sent back. I apologize for that, but it is safer this way. I am risking enough sending this to you._

_Please, my sun and all my stars, take care of yourself._

_-Yours_

_p.s. Sorry for my brother_

Eli chuckled almost unwillingly, trying in vein to wipe his face free of tears as he bit back a sob. 

The searing pain he thought he’d buried returned tenfold, unable to escape the longing welling up inside of him. He felt his chest might cave in, consumed by the barrenness of a black hole. Squeezing his eyes tightly shut, he forced more moisture to leak out and wiped them forcefully away. 

What had he been thinking – coming here _alone_ and leaving Thrawn behind? How had he agreed to this?

Because Thrawn had asked him to.

He compelled himself to breathe. And breathe again. Another ragged breath later and he glanced back down at Thrawn’s letter. He noted that there was nothing in it, no names or identifiers that could trace the letter back to either one of them, or even the Chimaera. But if anyone wanted to track his time in the Ascendancy…264 days…

He lowered the letter and turned to face the other man in the room. Mitth’ras’safis, who had been sipping his beverage quietly near the window, glanced back at the sound of rustling fabric. 

He caught sight of the tears on Eli’s face and his expression changed, softened. Eli looked away and folded the letter gingerly.

The Chiss’s soft voice broke the silence. “I suggest you destroy that letter.”

Eli continued to stare at the ground. His gaze held no confusion or surprise, but his shoulders wilted slightly as he agreed with a feeble nod.

He opened the letter again and reread it. Twice. Committing it to memory, clinging to the hope it evoked in him like a lifeline, so as to carry it with him until he and Thrawn were reunited. 

He walked to the fireplace and sat down, staring at the hot flames rising into the air. He brought the letter to his lips, imagining it was possible to inhale Thrawn’s scent from it. He held it close to his chest for a moment before reaching out and dropping it into the flames. It dissolved to ash in seconds. 

A minute later, Eli felt a presence to his left and out of the corner of his eye saw his glass of amber liquid, held in the air by a blue hand. He reached for the glass, his gaze never leaving the flames, and took a sip. His eyes burned from the heat of the fire, or perhaps from the salty moisture that glossed them over, refusing to dry up. He felt drained.

“May I join you?” Mitth’ras’safis asked softly.

Eli scooted over by way of invitation, although he didn’t need to, there was plenty of space in front of the fireplace.

“I hope that letter was beneficial to you,” the man said cautiously, as he sat down on the plush rug next to Eli.

Eli nodded, chuckling a little. “They’re happy tears, Syndic. Well, mostly.” 

“I’m sorry the two of you being apart is difficult,” the Chiss told him. “And I believe…it would be alright if you called me Thrass from now on.”

Eli gave him a sidelong look.

Thrass glanced at him and then smiled into the flames. “I never thought my brother would meet someone he’d consider his equal.”

That made Eli laugh. “I’m hardly his equal.”

One of Thrass’s shoulders rose in a small shrug. “He seems to think so, if you’re planning on being bonded. That’s what it means, you know: equal partnership.”

Eli’s expression was noncommittal. He felt Thrass’s eyes on him. “How _is_ my brother?” he asked Eli.

Eli looked at him. “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him in over half a year.”

Thrass smiled, almost sadly. “I haven’t seen him in over ten.”

Eli blinked. He had a point.

“If you have time, I’d like to hear about him,” Thrass said. “And about you; about both of you. How did the two of you meet?”

Eli grinned ear to ear. _He almost blew me up. And then coerced the system into making me his aide. And then manipulated practically my whole career so I could stay by his side._

That actually made sense now, looking back on it. 

He wouldn’t tell Thrass any of those things, though. So he started from the beginning, leaving out anything that might paint Thrawn in a bad light - not that any of it would surprise Thrass. But just to save the Chiss any unnecessary stress or worry, Eli left out many details as he explained how Thrawn rose through the ranks and how the two of them came to be. He left out many, _many_ things; like the many, _many_ court marshals.

And after a while of talking about Thrawn, the gaping hole in his chest seemed to shrink, filled instead with soothing, loving, sometimes infuriating and sometimes dangerous, but all in all _perfect_ memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thrawn and Eli's farewell adage if a rendition of E. E. Cummings poem:  
>  _"You are My Sun, My Moon, and All My Stars"_


	4. A Blessing And A Curse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Eli snorted in answer. Thrawn might take his opinion into account, but if it was up to him, and judging by his previous experiences, Eli doubted he would have much say in the matter. When Thrawn wanted something for Eli: that’s what Eli got.  
>  “Furthermore,” Thrass continued, ignoring Eli’s sardonic laugh. “If your roles were reversed, do you think Thrawn would hesitate if it benefited his career?”  
> Thrawn…hesitate?  
> “No.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it’s important to preface the remainder of this story with some headcanon of mine.  
> Soo…members within the same Family are good to get married, as long as they’re not blood related. With all the adoptions that take place and all the trial-borns, the Families aren’t too concerned unless you literally try to marry your blood brother or sister. After all, they’re all about diversifying their numbers.  
> With that being said, members of the CEDF _cannot_ get married while they are actively serving, to either each other or civilians. My reasoning: it’s said that members of the Defense Hierarchy (Admiralty) are stripped of Family affiliation so they can serve the Ascendancy as a whole.  
> Therefore, if they reach that rank and are married, their spouse and family name would be taken from them. So by preventing the members from marrying at all allows them the opportunity to ascend in rank without interference from prior commitments.  
> Now, that’s not to say that a certain human will not try very hard to amend that rule. (Because we all know how the Jedi turned out)
> 
> ‘The Chaos’ is mentioned in the summary of the upcoming Ascendancy Trilogy books, for those of you who were curious why I capitalize it in past and future fics. Just thought I should mention that…

Eli pressed the access panel to Thrass’s office door to find that it was locked. He tapped his foot restlessly on the marble flooring and looked anxiously back and forth along the corridor. He keyed the panel again, holding it down a little longer this time. 

What was taking so long? This was urgent.

Eli jutted a finger against the button and held it down for five whole seconds.

The door finally swung open.

Eli started forward and just missed walking headlong into two Chiss, a male and female, both dressed in shades of green. The members of the Third Family eyed him suspiciously as they walked past. He watched them retreat down the hall, then turned back to Thrass who was standing in the doorway, gazing at him incredulously, with one hand on his hip and the other on the office door, “Was that necessary?”

“Yes!” Eli said, pushing past Thrass and stomping into the office.

Thrass closed the door behind him. “Do come in, Eli,” he said sarcastically.

“This is bad, Thrass. Really, really bad,” the human said, beginning an anxious path around the office. 

Thrass cautiously stepped closer to him. “Okay…do you want to have a seat?”

Eli ran his hands over his face, shaking his head. He didn’t think he could remain in one place for very long right now.

“Eli,” Thrass started, wondering where in Sweet Csilla he messed up so badly that he deserved this madness. “Why don’t you explain to me, calmly-”

“They want to make me a merit adoptive!”

The features of Thrass’s face smoothed out, relaxing into gentle understanding. “Finally. I was wondering when they’d make their ultimate decision.”

Eli froze. “You knew?”

Thrass grinned, “There is very little I don’t know, dear human. It’s an incredible opportunity, Eli, really.” 

Eli ignored the kind, sincere words of the Syndic, “No, Thrass, it’s not incredible. It’s _horrible_.” Eli began pacing in front of the burgundy sitting couch, talking so quickly that Thrass almost couldn’t keep up and completely beside himself. “One of Thrawn’s _main reasons_ for sending me here, along with like twenty others because, you know: Thrawn, was for me to do some digging and find a way for us to marry. If I join a Family, I’ll feel obligated to stay in the military because that’s literally why they chose me: to help the CEDF. I read that book you gave me. Fleet members can’t get married!”

The human waved his hands hysterically while he spoke, spinning rapidly when he turned around to march this way and that in front of Thrass. The Chiss just stood there, his eyes wide open, tracking the human’s frantic strides. _What in Sweet Csilla…humans are crazy._

“And what if I choose _not_ to be adopted? Will I offend The Families? Will I be banished? And if I _am_ adopted, Thrawn said he doubts he’ll be welcomed back into the military, so he’ll be stuck planet side, and I’ll be miserable out in deep space knowing - even though I’m millions of light years away - I don’t have a husband waiting for me at home. And Thrawn will know he doesn’t have a husband, so he’ll be depressed. And when Thrawn’s alone he’ll make tea to remind himself of me, but then he’ll remind himself of me and feel more alone. And Thrass, Thrawn doesn’t even drink tea!”

_Absolutely nutters._

“Whoa kay,” Thrass said, grabbing Eli’s shoulders to stop his wild movements. “Eli, stop! Breathe.”

Eli did, his shoulders rising and falling. 

“You need to calm down,” Thrass said slowly, motioning to the couch. “Sit.”

Eli did, flopping down on the couch and staring into the fire, looking overwhelmed and still struggling to control his breathing.

Thrass sat gingerly next to him, wary of the volatile human. “First off, congratulations. Being adopted by a Ruling Family is a great honor. I don’t believe it’s ever been offered to a human before.” 

Eli grinned modestly, “Thank you, Thrass.” 

“On that note, I suggest you accept the offer. I don’t believe turning it down is grounds for the military to release you, but it wouldn’t hurt your standing to be connected to a Family. Secondly, we haven’t done enough digging to know for certain what the laws are. You and Thrawn could still be bonded. You’re a human, after all. There’s got to be a loophole. Thirdly, if Thrawn doesn’t drink tea, he doesn’t need to brew it. Problem solved.”

Eli smiled. That had just slipped out; he didn’t need to explain it to Thrass. 

“With all that being said,” Thrass said. “Regardless of anything Thrawn wants; what do _you_ want?”

Eli just stared at him. Had anyone ever asked him what he wanted before? As much as Thrawn had been Eli’s security in the Empire, he had also been a crutch. He’d made many decisions for Eli; some of them pleased the human, some of them he felt indifference towards, and some of them had down right pissed him off. Now, he wished Thrawn were here to at least _help_ make this choice.

“There are too many factors at play,” Eli said softly. “Too much at stake.”

“What’s at stake?”

“My relationship with the Families and Thrawn,” Eli told him. “I know how the Chiss work. The Families will be upset if their graciousness is taken advantage of, or if they decide something for me that I decline. I don’t want to reject their hospitality. And I’m worried about what Thrawn will think.”

“Thrawn!” Thrass said, his laugh startling Eli. “Thrawn will be _proud_ , Eli. He sends a human to the Chiss Ascendancy, and a Ruling Family adopts said human within a year? He’ll be ecstatic; elated. He’ll be quite annoying, really. I can see it now; his smug expression, strutting around like a peacock –“

Eli chuckled.

“If you want to run off with the military, Thrawn will understand. He, more than anyone, will understand.” Thrass explained. He paused, then asked with a grin, “How do you feel about being part of our family?”

Eli grinned, “Well actually, Mitth House wasn’t my only offer.”

Thrass frowned, “What do you mean?

“House Sabosen also offered.”

Thrass’s frown deepened, “The Fourth? _Two_ Houses?”

Eli nodded, worry creeping into his bones after seeing the shift in Thrass’s expression.

“Hmm. The Fourth…leaders in education, health and the judicial system. They’re a strong family. Interesting,” Thrass muttered, his voice grew softer as he spoke. He released a steady breath. “Do you know which you’ll choose?”

Eli noticed how Thrass’s features had altered from excitement to mildly concealed concern. He sat up straighter, his posture becoming slightly more rigid. His eyes held less of the sparkle they previously had after hearing about the Mitth family. 

Eli shook his head, “My gut is telling me Mitth, but I don’t want to rule out Sabosen.”

The Chiss appeared to be battling an internal struggle. Eli opened his mouth to ask him about it, but he spoke first. “That’s a good idea,” he commented. He spoke cautiously as if unsure of his next words. “I know it may be hard to hear, but no one knows when Thrawn is coming home. I suggest you choose based on what’s best for you at this time….not that I wouldn’t love having you as part of our family,” he added with a kind smile.

The office com beeped. The Syndic stood and approached his desk, keying a switch to read the message that popped up, his expression riddled with concentration.

He cleared his throat and began rummaging around in his desk for something, “If you’re so worried about what Thrawn will think, Eli, consider this: Do you think he would want to be responsible for holding you back?”

Eli snorted in answer. Thrawn might take his opinion into account, but if it was up to him, and judging by his previous experiences, Eli doubted he would have much say in the matter. When Thrawn wanted something for Eli: that’s what Eli got.

“Furthermore,” Thrass continued, ignoring Eli’s sardonic laugh. “If your roles were reversed, do you think Thrawn would hesitate if it benefited his career?”

_Thrawn…hesitate?_

“No.”

Thrass inclined his head as if to say his point was made.

“Regretfully, though, Eli,” Thrass said, standing with a file in his arms. “I have an urgent matter to tend to.”

The human waved a hand, as if playing off his concern. “Yeah, yeah, it’s fine. Of course.” 

Thrass felt a tinge of unease from the look of despair on Eli’s face. He really didn’t want to leave the human alone.

“I’ll tell you what: give me three hours and then we can grab dinner, if you’re free.”

Eli’s lips turned up in an appreciative smile. “Yeah, that sounds great actually.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something I included here, but have not mentioned before as it's in an unposted fic: Eli drinks tea every morning and when Thrawn misses Eli or desires some sense of normalcy, he'll brew it just because it smells like him. <3


	5. I Miss You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Thrass’s lips curved upwards in a small, almost sad smiled, “What have you decided?”  
>  Eli glanced at him then lowered his eyes.  
> Nothing had ever made more sense, really. Marriage was just two signatures on a document, anyways. If it didn’t happen for him and Thrawn until later because Eli was military, then so be it. They had already promised themselves to each other; that was enough.   
> Thrawn would be proud of him for finding success among his people._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was debating leaving the majority of this chapter out, but decided to include it in order to convey Eli’s growth and his missing of Thrawn. With that, this chapter contains memories of Thrawn and Eli’s intimate exchanges (i.e. sex) so heads up!

With time to kill before dinner with Thrass, Eli headed to the Fitness Center to train and work off some pent up energy.

He made his way to the locker rooms, changed, and began a warm up jog around the indoor track. Unlike the Imperial Navy, the CEDF had strict physical criteria its members were required to surpass, or in Eli’s case: just pass. He was stronger now, though, and faster too. He doubted Thrawn would be able to completely wipe him across the floor the next time they sparred, like he usually did. Or maybe Eli would just let him. The involuntary smile that crept onto his lips faded with the reality and stress of his current predicament.

He stopped running, bent over with his hands on his knees, and pushed down the pain and frustration that always wrecked him when he thought of Thrawn. It hit harder now. 

Straightening, he made his way across the courtyard to the obstacle course specifically designed for warrior training. 

He brought out his _charric_ , the weapon he was given his first day in Chiss space. It was very similar to a blaster, but possessed far better accuracy and quicker reload times. It was superior to any human tech, of course. He set the weapon to training mode.

Taking a readying breath, he keyed for the course to start. He ran, rolled, and slid in the mud under a half-downed plank in his path. He wiped the muck from his face as two holographic figures appeared to his left and right. He took them both out, wasting no more than one shot each. 

Continuing on, he came across wooden dummies that required him to strike the right places at the right times in order to defeat them. He completed a climbing wall, an elevated balance beam, more _charric_ practice, more running, and ended with a swinging exercise that left his palms all tore up. He slumped to the floor when he finished, glancing at his time. Two minutes faster than before. He’d take it.

Now he was in dire need of a shower.

***

Stripping himself free of his sweat-soaked clothing, Eli stepped into his apartment shower, sighing appreciatively as the warm water cascaded down his body. He slipped his head under the flow of water, feeling it run over the top of his head and down his face. He squirted some soap into his hand and began scrubbing the particles of salt from his face before proceeding to wash the rest of his body.

His preferred to have Thrawn in here with him; it was easier for someone else to get the back of him. They’d showered together many times, and not all of those times had ended, or began rather, with one of them pinned against the cool shower walls. Sometimes the purpose was simply for thorough hygiene, other times for company, and sometimes it was due to the limited allotment of time they reserved for themselves after strenuous activities elsewhere. 

Usually, to save himself the heartache, he tried _not_ to remember what it felt like to have Thrawn’s hands on him, how his red eyes would glitter, how his muscles would flex and relax under Eli’s fingertips…what he felt like moving inside of him.

Now, all of that and more came rushing in, sending a spark of arousal straight to his groin. He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly, trying to remember the sound of Thrawn’s soft gasps, his moans, and the rare things he would say to Eli in the depths of a heated moment. Sometimes Eli hadn’t known what Thrawn was saying, as he often reverted to speaking Cheunh during these times, but now Eli knew what _ktah_ and _k’ir nah tir,_ and _ttis’ah_ meant. He missed those words falling incoherently from the Chiss’s lips.

He groaned aloud at the memories, running his palm over his stomach, feeling the muscles there contract under his touch. He imagined it was Thrawn’s hand traveling lower, Thrawn’s hand cupping his balls gently before gripping the base of his cock, almost painfully, before sliding up his length to the tip, squeezing below the rounded head, just a little. 

He’d rub his thumb over the slit at the tip of Eli’s shaft, pressing ever so slightly into it. Eli shivered as he reenacted the gesture on himself. 

Thrawn’s chest would press up against his back, kiss his neck, and when Eli turned his head, he’d take his bottom lip into his mouth, sucking lightly as if to savor the flavor of him. He’d lift Eli’s leg to brace against the wall, tease his opening, prepare him with his fingers, and guide himself unhurriedly into Eli’s waiting and wanting body, sinking deep into the human who was usually, at this point, impatiently begging to have him inside of him.

Eli tilted his head back, pretending Thrawn’s shoulder was there for him to lean on. He worked himself close to climax, holding back each time, practically _feeling_ the man behind him and not wanting to give that up just yet. One of Thrawn’s strong arms would wrap around his body, keeping him flush against his chest while the other snaked around to take him in his hand and work him to the brink over and over again until Eli was practically sobbing. 

A subtle shift, a new angle, and Eli would cry out, a mantra of ‘right there’s’ and ‘don’t stop’s’ tumbling from his mouth as Thrawn rocked into him, massaging that spot again and _again_ , whispering in his ear: _ch’ah ch’acah vah…_

Eli could no longer hold off his orgasm, and he came with a bitten-off grunt; several hot jets of cum falling to the shower floor with a splat.

His shoulders slumped with an uneven, shaky exhale. He took a step forward, back into the now lukewarm water to clean up his mess. He hung his head, reality pressing in on him; he felt more alone now. His heart ached. He pressed his hands against the shower wall, bringing his forehead to rest against the cool surface.

“ _Thrawn_ ,” he whimpered. “I miss you.”

But it was more than that. He _craved_ Thrawn, and no amount of jerking off; no quantity of memories could fill the void that he carried with him everywhere he went. It didn’t help that _everyone_ he was surrounded by had blue skin and red eyes. 

He sighed aloud. He guessed Thrawn was in the same boat, surrounded by humans - 

A notification on his com device came through by way of a two-toned chirp. He started, straightening quickly. He’d set a reminder alert in case he lost track of time. He was supposed to meet Thrass soon.

He’d have to hurry now. He did not relish the idea of having to explain to Thrass _why_ he was late. Not that he would tell him the truth, but he had a tendency to blush when he lied.

***

Eli met Thrass at the restaurant. This particular location was ideally positioned at the peak of a giant glacier, allowing the patrons a beautiful view of the sunset in the evening through the reinforced, frosted glass windows. 

The food and drinks were delicious and exquisite, as was everything Eli experienced when he was with Thrass; having a higher social status really did have its perks. What was more, Eli felt relatively normal and welcomed everywhere he went with Thrass. The Syndic’s presence demanded respect for himself as well as for Eli, and the human was grateful for it.

Thrass politely waited for Eli to mention his dilemma, not wanting to press into an uncomfortable conversation. It wasn’t until about half way through their meal that Eli brought it up.

“I think I know what I wanna do,” he said. “I want to show my gratitude to the Families for being willing to accept me as one of their own; so I’m going to accept. And you’re right…I can’t rely on Thrawn. He’s not here.”

Thrass’s lips curved upwards in a small, almost sad smiled, “What have you decided?”

Eli glanced at him then lowered his eyes. 

Nothing had ever made _more_ sense, really. Marriage was just two signatures on a document, anyways. If it didn’t happen for him and Thrawn until later because Eli was military, then so be it. They had already promised themselves to each other; that was enough. Thrawn would be proud of him for finding success among his people. 

Eli met Thrass’s gaze, a comfortable warmth spreading throughout his body. “House Mitth’s offer.”

Another smile slowly crept onto Thrass’s face. This time it held no sadness. He almost looked relieved when he whispered dramatically, “Obviously.”

Eli laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used the handy-dandy trustworthy Chiss Translator for these:
> 
> _ktah_ : I take it to mean "Fuck"  
>  _k’ir nah tir_ : "Don’t stop"  
>  _ttis’ah_ : "Please"  
>  _ch'ah ch'acah vah_ : "I love you"


	6. Altered Strategy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Thrass was smiling at first, but it turned to a frown at Eli’s odd expression. “What’s wrong, human? It looks like you’ve...” his voice trailed off, spotting the mess on his desk, and the message, “Seen a ghost.”  
>  His eyes moved quickly over the text. Eli heard his sharp intake of breath, and watched his shoulders lower as he exhaled.  
> “Will it happen?” Eli asked quietly._

Life aboard the _Steadfast_ wasn’t horrible, but apart from his occasional conversations with Vah’nya, Eli had no friends there. He wasn’t sure he had friends on Csilla, either, but he liked to think he and Thrass were headed in that direction. 

Eli made a point to meet up with the Chiss whenever the _Steadfast_ was stationed at home base. This time, it was scheduled to be here for a couple weeks.

He didn’t mind being stationed on Csilla. He was allowed to work from his apartment when their ship wasn’t out for duty, which meant lazing around his place for hours at a time before finally forcing himself to sit and work. Sometimes, that meant he stayed up late into the night, which was actually fine with Eli as he considered himself somewhat of a night owl. Mornings, on the other hand: those sucked. Mornings were Thrawn’s thing.

Eli had been given a handful of projects and errands to accomplish while he was here, one of them being to formally accept the Mitth Family adoption offer. He’d probably do that tomorrow…maybe ask Thrass to go with him…

Finding a good stopping point in his work, he saved his current calculations and snapped his computer shut, scurrying around his desk and grabbing his jacket before hurrying out the door. He was supposed to meet Thrass at his office in fifteen minutes. 

***

Eli greeted the receptionist when he arrived at Thrass’s department. His name was Ba’kal, only a two-part name. 

“Good evening,” the young Chiss said smoothly. Eli noted the yellow trim on his tunic, the same color trim that was on all of his outfits, as far as Eli had seen. 

Eli tried not to pass judgment on people he didn’t know personally, but it was difficult not to when it came to the Fifth Ruling Family, who had a tendency to butt heads with pretty much all other Families. 

Eli had long since understood that while loyalty and kinship to family was an essential and core aspect of Chiss society, mingling and diversity was just as important and even encouraged, despite the trivial family feuds that seemed to be ongoing. Therefore, all Syndics, Aristocras, and other political member offices were mixed in with each other and shared the same floors. 

In fact, Eli had noticed that quite a distance separated each family member’s office. He was pretty sure that the nearest Mitth Family workspace, in relation to Thrass’s office, was seven doors down. 

Before Eli was out of earshot, the young yellow clad Chiss spoke, “Excuse me.”

Eli turned back around to see Ba’kal striding forward, all chic and cold demeanor, “I’m assuming you are going to Syndic Mitth’ras’safis’s office. I am not allowed in offices without direct supervision. Would you mind bringing this to him? He should be out of his meeting within the hour. And _you_ …have been granted access, correct?”

Eli smiled thinly, “Yes, I have. I’ll bring this to him.”

He took the file from the young man.

“Thank you,” Ba’kal said. He turned without so much as a half-assed look of forced respect.

Eli sighed. He knew that tolerance was good, and acceptance even greater, but he couldn’t help but wonder how many Chiss struggled with their overarching doctrine: that they were _all_ Chiss. If they were to survive, they had to accept that fact and without their willingness to unite, there could be great discord or even extinction. 

Still, Eli pondered how much infighting would decline if the Fifth Family, in particular, were taken from power. 

He walked into Thrass’s office, his arms full, thinking that _some_ Chiss possessed a particular brew of arrogance and snobbery that rivaled even the most egocentric officers of Imperial High Command.

Clumsily, Eli tried closing the door with his foot, but tripped on the large area rug near the door and stumbled, the file falling from of his hands and papers scattering across the wood floor. 

_Great_.

He groaned and bent to scoop up the papers, his fingertips snagging a single page, moving it to reveal the page beneath. He caught sight of a familiar name. His eyes automatically went to the text as his heart rate sped up. 

It was a reply from Aristocra Mitth’eo’dore, of the Eighth Ruling Family. 

_Pertaining to the case of Commander Mitth’raw’nuruodo…following staged exile…unlawful military action…pending release to prior social status…return …liability…recklessness…dishonor._

Eli’s heart sank as his eyes skimmed over the message.

_Pending release to prior social status._

Did Thrawn know about this? Did Thrass, and he hadn’t told him?

Eli numbly gathered the papers and walked to Thrass’s desk, his mind reeling. He dropped the file on the polished wood, not bothering to reorganize it. He sank into the leather chair in front of the desk, his eyes unfocused and staring unseeingly out at the glacier landscape through the large office window. 

_Thrawn…released?_

What did that mean for Eli? How was he supposed to choose Mitth House, if they were planning to release his future mate? Was he to replace Thrawn in the Eighth Family? 

He deafly heard the door behind him open and barely registered Thrass’s greeting. Eli stared at him unresponsively as the Chiss made his way around his desk. 

Thrass was smiling at first, but it turned to a frown at Eli’s odd expression. “What’s wrong, human? It looks like you’ve...” his voice trailed off, spotting the mess on his desk, and the message, “Seen a ghost.”

His eyes moved quickly over the text. Eli heard his sharp intake of breath, and watched his shoulders lower as he exhaled. 

“Will it happen?” Eli asked quietly. 

Thrass shot him a look. Eli couldn’t decipher if it was true concern or if he was hiding something. The syndic took his seat, “I honestly can’t say, Eli.”

His red eyes scanned the message, perhaps looking for something deeper, something that Eli missed.

“Can you _find out_?”

Thrass shook his head, “Not until Thrawn’s return will there be a final decision.”

Eli stood, beginning to pace around the office in agitation, wringing his hands until he absentmindedly picked up a paper weight instead, tossing it back and forth between his hands as he strode the length of the room. 

Of course this would happen. Just when he wanted to finalize his decision, something from Thrawn’s past crept up and knocked it off kilter. 

“So I’m just supposed to wait,” Eli asked, frustration growing, “for if and when he returns? I have to make a choice soon, Thrass. I can’t wait for him.”

“I’m sorry, Eli,” Thrass told him gravely. “I inquired about my brother’s position if he were to return a couple weeks ago so we would have a better understanding of what might transpire. I did not know this would be their answer. You weren’t supposed to find out.”

“You planned to keep it from me?” Eli said, his voice rising.

Thrass took a patient, measured breath. “I was hoping to clarify whether or not the Eighth Family would be a good fit for you. I don’t want you getting in over your head. Chiss Families can be a nightmare to navigate and they all have their histories. ”  
Eli stopped in his tracks. “But I wasn’t supposed to find out, right? So you were asking for yourself; to sway me in one direction or another; to manipulate my decision? Gee, thanks Thrawn.”

Thrass’s jaw dropped.

Eli was past caring. He was suddenly filled with fury. “I’m so kriffin’ tired of people thinking they can control what moves I make, as if I can’t make decisions on my _own_.”

Thrass was about to mention that Eli had come to _him_ for advice, but the dangerous flare in Eli’s eyes told him it would be best if he kept his mouth shut.

“You’re just as bad as your brother,” Eli snapped.

And then, in an unprecedented and uncharacteristic demonstration of rage, he threw the paperweight straight at the wall. It hit a tapestry, it’s fabric waving and rippling from the impact. Pieces of the wall behind it tumbled to the office floor, landing with dull thuds and the smaller pieces bouncing in all directions. The paperweight landed with a bang that echoed through the office. It rolled across the floor, stopping at Thrass’s feet.

The syndic lifted his eyes from the circular object and fixed their red glow on Eli.

Then he turned, rather nonchalantly, to take in the broken pieces of dry wall on his floor and his slightly swaying tapestry. He faced the human, brows raised in a manner that clearly said, ‘For real?’ 

Eli, for his part, didn’t even recall the object leaving his hand. He blurted out everything that came to mind in his panic, “I-Thrass, I’m so sorry. I’ll pay for that, I’ll fix it myself if I have to. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to.” 

Thrass stared at the destructive being before him. Truthfully, he and Thrawn were perfect for each other. Although, Thrass couldn’t remember Thrawn apologizing for anything...ever.

And where did that leave Thrass? With these two: headed towards a future of political struggle and personal hell. Oh well, he’d better get used to it.

A forgiving smile gradually spread across the Chiss’s face, “Walk with me, Eli.”

Eli frowned, growing increasingly worried, but followed him from the room without a sound, as he was in no position to argue. The human kept his head down when Thrass grabbed a passing aide by the arm and whispered something about a stray paperweight demolishing his office wall. 

“Look into it, will you?” Thrass asked, with a pleasant smile.

The aide nodded vigorously and ran off.

Thrass, to Eli’s surprise, did not walk him to the nearest security officer. Instead, he escorted him down the street and straight into the closest pub. 

“Two Royal Blue’s please,” he told the barkeep. He glanced back at Eli, still a little unsure of what was happening. “Actually, better make that four.” 

***

Eli had not returned to Thrass’s office since he’d busted his wall. The Syndic had assured him that all was fixed and it was water under the bridge, but Eli still did not feel comfortable meeting there.

So he asked Thrass to join him at one of the Syndic’s favorite lounges in downtown Csaplar a week later. Unlike Thrass’s office, this structure was built deep under ground, and had zero windows. The lighting was minimal and if Eli hadn’t been looking for privacy to discuss something that utterly terrified him, he’d find it romantic. He was also there with Thrass, and while the Chiss was strikingly handsome in his own right, he was not Eli’s Thrawn. 

The two men sat in the eloquent tavern, tucked away in one of the private booths. Being a political leader, Thrass was allotted special privileges; being allowed privacy wherever he went was one of them.

Eli spoke. Thrass listened. 

After Eli had finished laying out the reasons for his decision, he waited patiently for the other man to say something.

Thrass took a sip of his drink, in order to allow his mind some extra time to formulate a response. He gazed at him from over the top of his glass, swallowing more of the burning liquid before lowering it and placing it on the table beside him.

“You’re sure this is what you want?”

Eli nodded once. “Positive. I want to tell Thrawn before I accept-”

Thrass was shaking his head, “I wouldn’t, Eli….”

The human frowned, “Why not?”

Thrass hesitated. He settled on, “It’s something better told to someone in person.”

“But I have to tell him _before_ I accept.”

“Do you?” Thrass pressed. “Does he not trust your judgment?”

Eli’s eyes flicked away from the other man, scanning the space they occupied before settling back on the Chiss. 

Thrass inclined his head towards Eli, his eyes seemed to bore into his. “Or do _you_ not trust your judgment?”

Eli sighed. He paused for a long moment before saying. “You’re right. I’ve made my choice, I’m not changing my mind.”

Thrass nodded, solemnly. “Very well. However, if you’ll permit me to share my opinion: I’d agree to analyze the pros and cons with you; put some things into perspective. I know you did not make this decision lightly, but all angles should be evaluated.”

Eli nodded, a smile creeping onto his face. “I would expect nothing less of you, _Syndic_.”


	7. Chosen Loyalty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“You were offered my house,” Thrawn said. In his voice Eli could hear what many others couldn’t; hurt. “Instead you chose Sabosen. Even after-”  
>  His office com sounded. As he checked it, Eli tried to explain.  
> “It’s not like that, Thrawn,” Eli began, a pained expression on his face. This was all wrong._

After due consideration, Eli was almost positive that “Good day, Lieutenant Vanto” was, in fact, the most dignified statement Thrawn could make at the time, given Eli was standing in front of him with a _blue_ patch on his right shoulder - decidedly _not_ burgundy.

Not that it excused the cold indifference Eli endured for the remainder of their fleet’s combined mission. Thrawn’s attitude towards him was interrupted only once, when Thrawn asked to see him alone before being sent to Aloxor.

Eli waited respectfully for Thrawn to use either his name or title to set the tone of their conversation. He had followed Thrawn’s lead in this way each time they had spoken on this mission. They both still had jobs to do, after all. No one knew who they were to each other and Eli wanted to keep it that way.

“Hello, Eli,” Thrawn said coolly. “Thank you for coming to see me.”

Eli couldn’t help himself. Smiling in relief, he closed the distance between them in three short strides and wrapped his arms around Thrawn, his most treasured secret. He closed his eyes, breathing in the scent that was so gloriously Thrawn. He let out the breath he’d been holding when Thrawn’s strong arms returned the embrace. 

Eli could’ve cried. After all the months of feeling excluded, after the many days of wondering what his purpose was, after all the countless nights of feeling utterly alone; _finally_ he was home. 

Thrawn shifted and maneuvered Eli to hold him at arms length, hands resting on his shoulders.

“Where is your pin?” he asked him. Eli opened his mouth, but Thrawn continued, “and why is _that_ on your uniform?”

“It’s wild, I know,” Eli said, grinning stupidly. “I mean, there are still some things up in the air about you know…us, but I couldn’t turn down the opportunity to be adopted by a Ruling Family.”

“Hmm,” was all Thrawn said.

“And Thrass told me it was risky to wear my pin on duty so…” Eli trailed off when he saw Thrawn frowning at him.

“Forgive me, Eli,” he said. “But I am not sure what to make of this.” 

Eli nodding understandingly, “I bet. I wanted to tell you, but Thrass thought it was a bad idea to contact you.”

“Thrass.” Thrawn’s tone was measured. 

“Yes,” Eli said slowly, an odd feeling washing over him at Thrawn’s lingering displeasure. “Thrass. Your brother; the one you told me to contact.”

Thrawn remained silent. So Eli went on.

“I couldn’t talk to you so…I needed help, and he was there. I don’t know what I would’ve done without him. I just wish _you_ could have been there to help me decide-”

Thrawn held up a hand, eyes glowing brighter, lips pursed. 

“How did it arise?” Thrawn asked. “Your adoption?”

Eli gave him a skeptical look. “Um…after one of our scouting runs. I um…deciphered a pattern and found a Grysk hold out; rescued an ozyly-esehembo, actually. Ar’alani called me into her office after that and told me the Fourth and Eighth Families were interested.”

Thrawn’s teeth clenched together tightly. Eli could see his jaw muscles working.

“And you choose the Fourth.” It wasn’t said as a question, but it _was_ quite possibly the darkest tone Eli ever heard him use.

Eli watched Thrawn’s face, struggling to interpret if now was a good time to tell him _why._

“There’s a reason for it, Thrawn. The Eighth Family-”

“You were offered _my_ house,” Thrawn said. In his voice Eli could hear what many others couldn’t; hurt. “Instead you chose Sabosen. Even after-”

His office com sounded. As he checked it, Eli tried to explain.

“It’s not like that, Thrawn,” Eli began, a pained expression on his face. This was all wrong.

“Your shuttle departs soon. Please go,” Thrawn said plainly, backing away from him. “We can discuss this later.”

Eli’s eye widened, panic setting in, “Thrawn, don’t do…”

“ _Leave_ , Lieutenant.” Thrawn said, staring hard at him. “Please.”

Eli gawked at him, unable to organize his wild thoughts into a cohesive sentence. Thrawn’s eyes flicked down to Eli’s shoulder again, to the colored patch sewn there. His expression was one of disgust and Eli _felt_ it. 

He was wise enough to know when not to push Thrawn, so he wheeled around and left the Chiss standing in the middle of his office. He made his way to the nearest empty room, stepping inside for a moment to collect himself as best he could Once his breathing and heart rate had calmed, he left the room with his chin held high. There was a mission ahead, and despite any personal quarrels, he would not let down his command. 

He refused to meet with Thrawn for the rest of the trip, not even to say goodbye.

***

As soon as the Steadfast docked at the shipyards on Csilla and Eli’s final reports were in, he submitted his request for two weeks of leave. He needed a damn break. 

Ar’alani’s approval came back in under an hour. Perhaps she was expecting a lot of time off requests after this last mission.

Eli made only a single stop on his way to his apartment: the liquor store.

***

Thrass sat in his office, scrolling through the recent Aristocra newsletter. Updates on the CDF fleets weren’t any of his business, but he’d gotten in the habit of checking them ever since Thrawn’s first deployment. 

He skimmed it until some thing caught his eye: the _Steadfast_ had returned three days ago. And Thrass hadn’t heard from Eli. 

Over the last year and some, Eli had created the custom of contacting Thrass when he arrived on Csilla, sometimes before he had even docked, and sometimes he commed him when he wasn’t even coming home…just because. 

A nervous, quiet dread crept up Thrass’s spine as his eyes darted over the report looking for injuries…deaths. There was nothing.

Wait… _Thrawn_? The CDF had collaborated with an Imperial Star Destroyer commanded by Thrawn, of all people? 

He pulled up his schedule; one more appointment this afternoon. Could he skip it? Reschedule? 

No. He’d rescheduled this one twice already. Damn.

Maybe he could com Eli? Just to make sure he’d be home later so he could stop by. No, he couldn’t do that. If Eli didn’t pick up, his temperate anxiety would bloom into panic. 

Maybe Eli was back with Thrawn in the Empire? No, that didn’t track either. Ar’alani had told Thrass that Eli was doing important - _essential_ work for the Ascendancy. She wouldn’t just give him back. 

Or maybe…Eli’s new uniform. 

Thrass rubbed his temples with the pads of his fingers. _Oh no._ His brother could be such a tool. 

There was a knock at his door.

“Yes, yes, I’m coming,” Thrass called, standing.

Three more hours and then straight to Eli’s. _That poor human…_

***

Thrass keyed Eli’s apartment access panel. It took a moment. Perhaps Eli debated actually pretending he was dead, but then he heard the latch unlock and pushed the door open.

Thrass was first met with an odor he didn’t even want to attempt to identify, and the sight wasn’t much of an improvement. He could barely make out the human lounging among pillows, blankets, dirty glasses and plates. He was watching some trash broadcast. His curtains were drawn.

“Good to see you made it back in one piece,” Thrass said cheerfully. “I would say ‘alive and well’ but judging by the state of things…”

Eli just looked at him, unfazed by the subtle admonishment. He went back to his show.

Thrass moved about the apartment, picking up after the human and moving the dirty plates and glasses into the kitchen, which was a whole other disaster. He stood with his hands on his hips, unsure where to even start. He spotted a liquor bottle. That’s where he’d start. 

Eli heard a clink and glanced over to see Thrass holding his whiskey bottle. His eyes flashed to Eli, then back to the empty bottle. “Did you do this?”

Eli shrugged and pulled his warm blanket tighter around his shoulders. He looked back to the vidscreen once again.

“Well, thanks for sharing,” Thrass said, his shoulders slumping.

The Chiss sat beside the human, eyeing his tousled hair and sleep clothes with resigned distaste.

“I heard you had a run in with your old ship,” Thrass said. “And it’s commander.”

Eli gave him a blasé sidelong glance.

“How did it go?” the Chiss pried.

Eli stared at him, his jaw set. 

“I gather your silence isn’t due to the awe of my brothers gracious enthusiasm in the choice of your adopted family?”

“He was appalled, Thrass,” Eli finally told him. “So much so that being in my presence was too much for him. He asked me to leave; didn’t even give me a chance to explain.”

Thrass cringed, “I’m sorry, Eli.”

Eli shook his head, facing the screen again. “He was furious to learn that you and I had been speaking, which makes no sense. He alluded to something about me not _choosing_ him. I didn’t think he’d react so poorly. I thought…he’d be proud.”

Then he became very quiet. Thrass had been worried about that. He knew Thrawn’s reaction wasn’t necessarily due to the fact that Eli _hadn’t_ chosen the Eighth Family, but that he _had_ chosen the Fourth. The Chiss reached for the remote and switched off the program. 

“He did react poorly, Eli,” Thrass said. “That’s not your fault. You made a great decision for yourself, _and_ for him, although he doesn’t understand it yet.”

Eli remained silent so Thrass leaned forward; forcing himself into the human’s visual field. “Don’t beat yourself up over something you have no control over.”

“I don’t know why I thought I could make a decision like this without him,” Eli muttered. “I should’ve known better.”

Thrass frowned deeply. _What the hell kind of relationship was this?_

Enough was enough. “You are more than capable of making sound decisions without him, Eli. You’ve proven that time and time again. Don’t pay any mind to my ass hole of a brother.”

Eli started.

Thrass stood. “Get up. Get dressed. Actually, shower first. I’ll wait.”

“I don’t want to, Thrass-” Eli said as the other man strode to the window and pulled back the curtains. Eli winced as light flooded into the dark apartment.

“Too bad. You look like shit and smell worse,” Thrass told him. “Get up. We’re going out.”


	8. Meddlesome Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“And this is how you treat him?” Thrass wondered with a hint of mockery.  
>  The lack of mirth in Thrawn’s gaze could not be overstated. “Stay out of it, Thrass,” he warned.  
> “You, of all people, will not listen to his logic? You’ve always been overconfident and reckless, brother, but I haven’t ever known you to be stupid. Listen and you might learn something.”  
> Spreading his palms, Thrawn relented. “Enlighten me.”_

Thrass had decided to confront his brother for two reasons. First, because the broken hearted human couldn’t do it. Second, because he never shied away from the opportunity to convey to his brother just how very _wrong_ he was. 

The indicator light turned green when the signal went through. Thrass waited, tapping his fingers idly on his desk. The upbeat tone of his request being accepted sounded and he straightened. It had been years since he had seen his brother. But he wasn’t calling for a friendly chat; he was calling to tell his brother to get his head out of his ass.

The bust of Thrawn appeared on the com display. “I hope this is an emergency,” he said coolly to Thrass’s holographic image. “Since I requested you only contact me-”

“Does the sanity of the man you sent here constitute an emergency? Or are such concerns beneath you?”

A flicker of worry flashed across Thrawn’s face. Thrass doubted anyone besides himself, apart from Eli perhaps, would have recognized it. 

“Has something happened?”

Thrass barked out a laugh, “Other than you destroying the heart of a certain human?”

Thrawn fixed his red gaze on him. “I am busy, brother. Either come forth with the reason for your call or-”

“I would like to know when you decided sacrificing sense for spite was an advantageous trade,” Thrass said with an edge to his voice. “Has the Empire made you into such a cruel being?” 

“I do not have time for this-” Thrawn snapped, reaching for the com display.

“You don’t have time for your betrothed?” Thrass retorted before Thrawn could flip the switch.

Thrawn’s hand remained suspended in midair over the controls. He failed to conceal his shock at the brash query.

“That is what he is, yes?” Thrass asked, with a smug smirk now that he’d stopped Thrawn in his tracks. “I saw our mother’s pin. He is who you’ve chosen?”

A breathless “yes” escaped Thrawn. 

“And this is how you treat him?” Thrass wondered with a hint of mockery.

The lack of mirth in Thrawn’s gaze could not be overstated. “Stay out of it, Thrass,” he warned.

“You, of all people, will not listen to his logic? You’ve always been overconfident and reckless, brother, but I haven’t ever known you to be stupid. _Listen_ and you might learn something.”

Spreading his palms, Thrawn relented. “Enlighten me.”

Thrass remained silent. Thrawn raised his eyebrows, expectantly. 

“Eli should be the one to explain,” Thrass told him. “It was his choice. And by making him feel as though he shouldn’t have had one-”

“Mine and his relationship does not further involve you, _brother_. Although Eli has already told me of your hand in this.”

“Well, it had to involve _one_ of us,” Thrass said snidely. “And since you’re not here…”

“Don’t, Thrass.”

“Don’t what?” Thrass shot hotly, his face contorted in contempt. “It’s not my fault you feel guilty about not being here.”

“In case you have forgotten, I had no choice in the matter,” Thrawn hissed darkly. “Before your mouth gets you into trouble I suggest you hold your tongue.”

“Or what, Thrawn?” Thrass asked vehemently. “What are you going to do all the way from the _Empire_?”

In a rare outburst of frustration, Thrawn raised his voice. “If you had not deterred him, he would have chosen House Mitth, _my_ House.” His Cheunh accent could be heard more easily when he was heated.

Thrass scoffed. “So I’m supposed to sit back, let him choose _your_ house so you can drag him down with your reputation? If I had any play in this, then I did him a favor by supporting his decision to join House Sabosen. There are things you do not know, Thrawn.”

Thrass half expected his brother to shove what they _did_ know of the Fourth Family in his face. But he didn’t. He waited for the memories to rise from the depths of their past and cast a familiar shadow over his younger brother’s face. But they didn’t. 

Instead, Thrawn’s red eyes blazed. His voice turned glacially cold, “You are meddling where you ought not meddle, dear brother.”

Thrass glared at him. “I’ll be damned if I sit here and not support the advancement of his career; something he earned.” He took a deep breath, then shook his head. “You should be ashamed. Eli has accomplished things no human ever has and you’re cross about it because it wasn’t done the way you wanted.” 

“ _Ktah vah_ , Thrass.”

The elder brother fell silent a moment. If he felt the sting of his sibling’s words, his demeanor didn’t convey it.

“Eli deserves better than you,” Thrass snapped. His hand twitched as if to shut the connection down, but he knew that childish act would be futile. He’d commed Thrawn to get to the bottom of this. Largely, because he knew he was the only one who could.

Thrawn, to his brother’s surprise, did not argue the insult. In fact, he said nothing.

Thrass sighed, “Listen, Thrawn. I can’t express this enough: I don’t wish for this conversation to be nothing but an argument.”

“Noted,” Thrawn said shortly. “Continue.”

Thrass bit back a growl. How in Sweet Csilla Eli could stand this man was beyond him. 

“He deserves a chance to explain,” Thrass said. “He wasn’t able to before. He said you kicked him out of your office.”

“I asked him to leave, yes,” Thrawn admitted. “Things were complicated. I also requested his presence again, which he ignored, before the _Steadfast_ -”

“He’s _exceptionally human_ , Thrawn. They’re emotional-”

“I know exactly _what_ and _who_ he is, Thrass,” Thrawn said coolly. “Quite a bit more than you, surely.”

Thrass yielded, nodding minutely in his direction, “You’re right. Then you should also be aware of how he views your relationship. He mentioned something about it being ‘resilient,’ which is interesting, considering you pushed him away at the slightest inconvenience to you-”

“Please continue with your _point_ , Syndic,” Thrawn said, his voice was calm, but with an edge to it.

“I don’t need to remind you that the Fourth Family oversees all judicial rulings,” Thrass said, changing the subject. “ _You_ would benefit from having someone connected to that house. If Eli plays his cards right, he could obtain enough influence over time to persuade the leaders to vote in his favor, in your favor.”

“Sound logic, brother,” Thrawn said. “But you’re missing one facet: if the Fourth has ulterior motives, they could interfere with our lives; our marriage. If he were Mitth-”

“It would make no difference,” Thrass said sharply. “It is not the Families that will create the barrier for you, but the military. As far as I can tell, members of the Fleets cannot marry.”

Nothing was said for a few long moments. The tension between the two of them was gradually fading, but the air was no less heavy.

“So there is no way?” Thrawn asked in an uncharacteristically small voice.

Thrass sighed, thoughtfully, watching his brother’s expression carefully before finally shaking his head. He said as kindly as he could, “I can’t find anything to the contrary. I am sorry, Thrawn.” 

Thrawn rubbed his forehead in an uncommon show of frustrated helplessness, “There must be a way. I sent him there to find a way.”

“You sent him here to keep him safe,” Thrass corrected gently. “And he’s much safer here than he would be with you.”

“I know.”

“I told him,” Thrass hesitated, “when he first told me of the offers, that you would be proud of him. _I_ know that you are, despite the unease the situation might generate. _He_ , however, does not. I think he deserves to know how you really feel.”

Thrawn looked into his eyes. Thrass couldn’t tell if it was a challenge he saw, or pain. “And what do I really feel?”

Thrass met his cool gaze with a warm one. “You miss him.”

Thrawn now looked utterly exhausted. He exhaled. “And how do you know that?” 

“Because your face bears the same expression his did, when he read your letter.”

Thrawn straightened, knitting his brow and blinking in confusion. _His letter. He’d forgotten all about it._

“I mean, he’s a tad overdramatic,” Thrass said off-handedly. “But I like him. Did you know he threw a paper weight at my Victory Day tapestry?”

A small smile appeared on Thrawn’s face. Thrass couldn’t be sure if it was due to the imagery of his future bond-mate vandalizing his brother’s office, or simply the mention of something more comical. 

“My tapestry, Thrawn!” Thrass exclaimed, also grinning. “Don’t tell him I told you that, though…he’d shit himself.”

Thrass watched his brother’s face light up in amusement. He wondered what Thrawn was like with Eli. He’d guess happy, which was an improvement. He mentally gave the human props for stealing and warming his brother’s cool, calculating heart. 

Thrass remembered something. “By the way,” he said. “There is _another_ human roaming around the Ascendancy now-a-days. I am told you are responsible. Again.”

Thrawn’s smile faded. “What of it?”

“Why?” Thrass emphasized dramatically. 

“Reasons.”

“Well, can you _reason_ him out of the Aristocra Halls?” Thrass asked, turning his nose up. “He’s obnoxious.”

“He is more politician than soldier,” Thrawn told him. “He belongs there.”

“ _He belongs-?_ He _belongs_ back in the-” Thrass started. “You know what, never mind.” The older brother sighed. “Back to the point, you and Eli need to talk. He chose the way he did for both of you. Can you please, as his future partner, be supportive of that?”

Thrawn’s eyes narrowed just slightly. His voice turned meticulous, as if speaking the words might detonate a bomb. “You are asking me to be supportive of him aligning with _that_ family?”

A long silence fell over them, one void of stillness and peace. They did not speak, yet the airwaves between them sizzled with tension and knowledge and long since buried pain.

Thrass witnessed a number of expressions break over his brother’s features like a turbulent wave. He may have been avoiding bring it up before, but Thrass knew what would follow now.

Thrawn’s voice was soft when he finally spoke. “You know what happened, Thrass. You know what they did to me,” Thrawn said. “You should have stopped Eli from joining them.”

And with those words; words spoken so plainly, so honestly, so _obvious_ , a web of shame wound its way around Thrass’s heart. The guilt tore at him. 

Only it wasn’t obvious, because he happened to agree with Eli.

He would have done as his brother requested and impeded Eli’s adoption, if he hadn’t believed Eli was actually right. Still, Thrass knew his brother was hurting. He knew he was likely scared for Eli and perhaps himself, after all this time. It killed Thrass to ignore something that seemed so right and indisputable, in hopes of saving his brother if he returned. The tension in Thrass’s shoulders lessened as he sighed with resignation, a veil of accepted defeat blanketing his features. 

“I can’t go back and change it now. It’s out of my hands,” Thrass said. “So what would you have me do?”

“Promise me you will back me when the time comes. The Mitth Family protected me, but with Eli in Sabosen-“

“They’re not all bad, Thrawn,” Thrass whispered. 

“I do not trust them,” Thrawn said simply. “I read the research…when Eli finds out-”

“How did you-”

“-promise me you will dissuade him.”

Thrass’s incredulity was undeniable. “Thrawn-“

“Promise me, Thrass.”

Thrass waited; for Thrawn to elaborate, or perhaps rescind his request, especially since agreeing to it would inevitably betray Eli’s trust. 

Thrawn did not back down.

He suddenly felt very young. Just like before, when he was unable to protect his little brother. He could not help him now, no more than he could have when they were nothing more than children. It ate at him, even now.

The only thing he could do was agree to help him later, if it was called for. He would support him in this because he knew what it meant to him. It wasn’t something he _wanted_ to promise his brother, but if Eli’s plan backfired…

He sighed, nodding his agreement.

“I understand why you feel the way you do, Thrawn,” he said. “I was there, but that was the past, and you can’t allow your fear to warp what’s right. Eli did what was necessary. He made the logical choice and I stand by him. I’m sorry if that hurts you in the process.”

Thrass ignored the struggle on Thrawn’s face.

“Just please talk to him,” Thrass pressed one more time. “Just like Eli has things to tell you. You, Thrawn, have things to tell Eli. Whether you do that or not is not my business, but I doubt there is anything that man would keep from you. Don’t you think you owe him the same courtesy?” 

“I have to go, Thrass,” Thrawn said suddenly, his eyes darting off screen.

“ _Thrawn_.”

“I have to go…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What could possibly have happened to Thrawn...


	9. Agree To Disagree

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Hello, Eli,” Thrawn said softly. “How are you?”  
>  How was he?  
> “Fine.” His tone was sharp, forthright. He owed Thrawn nothing.  
> A long moment passed with the two of them simply gazing at each other’s holographic image before Thrawn decided to speak. “I owe you an apology.”  
> Yeah, you do, you ass. You arrogant, egotistical, pile of-  
> “What for?”  
> _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While editing this chapter, it dawned on me to put some kind of warning here. There is a passage of Thrawn’s narrative in this chapter that explains a little more of his distrust of the Fourth Family. I don’t go into detail, and don’t plan on detailing much of Thrawn’s experience in the future (and if I do I’ll mark it) but the idea might be upsetting. I changed some of the tags as a heads up. I will mark it with // in text, just in case. Feel free to drop a comment if I’ve done this wrong!

The flashing green light on Eli’s desk console indicated an incoming message. He keyed ‘accept’ and returned to busying himself with his data sheets, keeping his head down.

His two weeks of leave ended the following day. He’d enjoyed his time off. Thrass had taken him to Copero to see the Mitth estate and he’d also traveled to Saposia to meet some members of his own adopted family. They seemed exceptionally cheerful to have him, although he couldn’t help but feel it was due to his humanity more than anything. 

He’d decided to prepare himself for tomorrow by looking over his previous work. That, and truthfully, he had suffered from sheer boredom the last three days with nothing to do. 

“Hey, Thrass,” he called when the line connected.

Thrass’s tone was serious. He wasted no time, “I have someone here for you, Eli.”

The human’s head popped up.

“I’ll patch them through, then scramble the signal and disconnect,” Thrass told him.

Eli tilted his head, eyes narrowing. “Am I in trouble?”

Thrass grinned fondly at him. He felt oddly protective of the human; even if it was Thrass’s own brother he was protecting him from. “You can call me when you’re finished talking if you’d like.”

A tone chimed as Thrass keyed in another line. The image jarred; broke down, and a similar face reappeared. Eli straightened, his back against his chair.

“Thrawn,” he said, with hardly any inflection. The chirp of a line disconnecting, followed by a light disappearing on his com display, signaled Thrass’s removal from the conversation.

Thrawn’s face held only mild apprehension, if Eli would even call it that. Mostly he just looked exhausted. 

“Hello, Eli,” Thrawn said softly. “How are you?” 

_How was he?_

“Fine.” His tone was sharp, forthright. He owed Thrawn nothing. 

A long moment passed with the two of them simply gazing at each other’s holographic image before Thrawn decided to speak. “I owe you an apology.”

_Yeah, you do, you ass. You arrogant, egotistical, pile of-_

“What for?”

Thrawn looked him in the eye; unafraid to admit he’d been wrong. “For jumping to conclusions. I admit my reaction regarding your adoption was founded on misunderstanding, and littered with ignorance. I have no legitimate excuse for my behavior. I felt...betrayed. You deserve better from the man you love, and who loves you.” 

He took a breath; now his expression seemed strained. “Congratulations, Eli. It truly is an honor. I know you will make the Fourth Family proud.”

Thrawn meant his words, but was not spared the bittersweet pain in his heart when he spoke them, nor was he spared the sight of his promised mate’s eyes glistening before him. He swallowed hard. The human’s vulnerability stirred up emotions in himself that he found…unsettling. He had been so foolish. All Eli had ever wanted was Thrawn’s approval; his support. He now saw how simple it really was to please him. 

“Thank you,” Eli said in a small voice that, to his credit, sounded very controlled.

The corners of Thrawn’s lip curved slightly upwards. “Admiral Ar’alani also told me of your promotion. You are more than deserving.”

“Thanks,” Eli muttered, a small smile now appearing.

“I did not let you explain before,” Thrawn said. “I would like to hear your reasoning now, if you think I am deserving.”

Eli sighed; a little theatrical, even for Thrawn. Eli took a deep breath, and jumped right into his long overdue explanation. “Thrass received a letter from Aristocra Mitth’eo’dore stating that it is entirely likely that when you return, you will be released from the Eighth Family.”

Their respective rooms fell into silence. Eli watched Thrawn’s expression, waiting for confusion or worry, or possibly even acceptance. But all he gathered was indifference. 

“Likely?” Thrawn asked, “but not certain?”

Eli shrugged. “That’s a risk I didn’t want to take.”

Thrawn shook his head, unconcerned. “That idea has been put on the table before. This is not the first time.”

“Then it will probably be the final time,” Eli said firmly. “How many more chances do you think they’ll give you?”

“I can not say,” Thrawn said, eyes flicked away from his. “But _I_ will not be the one to break those ties.”

Eli huffed, a look of gross disbelief cast over his features. “If they plan to release you, why would you stay?” 

Thrawn looked down at what Eli assumed was his hands. When he raised his eyes again, he looked… _young._

“Because they are my family. They took Thrass and I in when no one else would. They gave us our education, the opportunity for our careers and turned the other cheek countless times for me.” He paused, eyes searching, as if wanting to say something more, but all he added was, “I owe them for that.”

//

Thrawn knew he owed them much more than just his loyalty. They had saved him, by way of adoption, from the invasive testing funded by the Fourth Family that he, along with a handful of other young Chiss boys, had endured. Their unique reproductive systems had been a subject of interest to the Fourth Family from the time they reached puberty. He’d worked hard over the years to repress the memories, but his distrust of the family still remained.

//

He would tell Eli the whole truth one day. Today, while light years away and without adequate time to explain the whole situation, was not the day. So for now, feeling betrayed at Eli’s decision was what he’d go with.

“So if they keep you, you’ll stay with them?” Eli asked coolly. 

“Without hesitation.”

Eli took a strictly measured breath. “Fine. And if they _drop_ you, the Fourth Family and I will be here.” 

Stiffly, Thrawn inclined his head in acknowledgment, but not acceptance. Thrawn would refuse to join House Sabosen until the day he died, but he conceded that Eli’s intentions were good. “Please know that my decision is similar to yours: it is not a choice of _you_ or _them_ , it is what is best for me. Later, perhaps, you will join me in the Eighth Family.”

Eli desired nothing more than to join Thrawn and surely the Chiss was aware of that, but it was not that simple. “I understand how you feel, but the only thing _I_ know about that family is they haven’t fully supported you in the past and they’ve threatened to release you more than once. I have no loyalty to a family like that, and neither should you.” Eli stiffened. “If you are dismissed, they’ll pull your rank. We need a Ruling Family’s support. My decision was meant to benefit both of us, and to protect you from…a life beneath you.”

Thrawn’s eyes narrowed slightly at his mate, his chin lifting an inch. Eli’s unnecessary need to prevent him falling from nobility and into the pit of the lower class irked him. He knew, however, the idea was not entirely his own. “A commoner’s life, perhaps?” 

Eli willed himself not to shift uncomfortably in his seat. Thrass had said once that Thrawn viewed Eli as an equal. Still, there was no small amount of discomfort in sitting, motionless, with that red-eyed stare fixed on him. Thrawn had been his commanding officer for more years than not; standing up to him would take time. 

“Thrass told you to say that,” Thrawn said acerbically. “He thinks it best for us to be separated, so the retaliation of one brother will not effect the other.” 

“He never said that,” Eli argued. “If you came back to wreck havoc, then yes, it would be wise to have the two of you in different Houses. If anything, so Thrass wouldn’t have to watch your back all the time - which he would still do no matter what. But he never said he didn’t want you in his Family. You two are blood brothers. That won’t change.”

“How unfortunate for him,” Thrawn said dryly. 

Eli remained silent, choosing to let this part of the conversation die. Thrawn and Thrass could discuss it later if they wanted. He brought it back around to something he’d seen earlier.

“The Fourth Family,” Eli said. “There is something about them that rattles you. What is it?”

_Damn it._ Thrawn had hoped he’d been sly enough. 

“All Families have their histories, Eli,” Thrawn told him.

“I’m sure the Mitth aren’t perfect, either, Thrawn.”

The Chiss’s eyes flashed with an intensity that Eli took to mean he’d crossed a line. He knew Thrawn would say no more. So he watched him for a minute; a hint of a frown still remaining. 

“Is it me or Thrass?” Eli asked. “Or the Families?”

Thrawn’s frown deepened. “Explain.”

“That has you making that face,” Eli explained with a small smile.

Thrawn’s frown lessened at the sight of the human’s grin. “We are to be partners, Eli. When I asked for your hand, it was with the knowledge and understanding that we would make decisions like this together.”

Eli nodded, patiently. “We’re also supposed to trust each other, or don’t you think I can decide something like this - if not for both of us - then at least for myself? Neither one of us knows when you’re coming home. Do you expect me to put my life on hold until you return?”

A look of pain shot across Thrawn’s face. 

Eli caught it with a pang of regret and averted his gaze. “I thought you’d be proud.”

“I am proud of you-”

“No, you’re not,” Eli said. His words were harsh, but his voice was soft, almost conceding. “You’re proud of what you’ve made me.”

“That is unfair,” Thrawn said, sounding slighted. “And untrue. In the past; yes, but in the last years of our time together you grew into your own, and even more so in the Ascendancy. I can only take minimal responsibility, if any, for that. Please do not diminish how I feel, because it is genuine.”

Eli’s cheeks flushed pink. “Fine.” He hesitated a moment. “Did you think the decision wasn’t difficult for me? I was torn from the start. But even now, I don’t think I’m wrong. Being in separate families can only benefit us.”

“Not if they keep us apart.” 

Eli leaned forward on his desk and stared, point blank. “When are you coming home, Thrawn?”

The Chiss didn’t answer. 

“Are you...ever?” Eli asked adamantly. “Because right now, that’s what’s keeping us apart. Are you gonna leave the Fleets to enter the unknown, without you leading them? With you, instead, standing by an Empire you don’t even agree with?”

“Agreeing with them is not the point.”

“Oh, have some morals, Thrawn,” Eli said with disdain. “Have a conscious-”

“You know that I do-”

“You are an agent of the Empire,” Eli continued. “Many of your people see you as a traitor.”

Thrawn’s eyes burned dangerously. “Then we have that in common.”

Eli’s heart was beating against his chest. He breathed in a long, drawn out breath in an attempted to steady himself. Tension, stress, distance, fear, uncertainty…they were tearing them apart.

Is this what they had become; separate entities, distinguished in their own respects, but torn between personal gain and their devotion to each other? And when, if ever, would it end? 

Eli lowered his head into his hands, palms pressed against his forehead, and inhaled a shaky breath.

“Eli.” Thrawn spoke softly. He waited until Eli had lifted his head to continue. Those red eyes bore meaningfully into his. “I would prefer us not to argue. Not like this.”

“How about we agree to disagree,” Eli offered. “We’re on separate paths for the time being. We’ll do what we have to do, and ride them out until we can’t any longer. Then we’ll reevaluate…when our paths join again.”

Thrawn nodded silently, gazing intently at Eli, studying his face. He searched one brown eye and then the other.

“I miss you, Eli,” he whispered. 

Eli’s heart broke at the pain in his voice. He swallowed. “I miss you. One day we’ll be together,” Eli said, a faint smile on his face. His tone was wistful, as if day dreaming, “And then we’ll be bonded, and protect the Ascendancy together.”

“Or perish in the effort,” Thrawn said off-handedly.

“ _Thrawn_ ,” Eli exclaimed, his expression holding mild horror.

Thrawn started. He had spoken what was on his mind; what was very likely _fact_ ; he had not considered Eli’s reaction. 

“My apologizes,” Thrawn said automatically. “I, too, look forward to that day.”

Even if, Thrawn thought, their bonding was an impossible feat. Thrawn refused to tell Eli what Thrass had said. He refused to believe there wasn’t something that could still be done. Let Eli keep searching. Let him remain hopeful.

The human’s chuckle brought him back and he couldn’t help but smile at the glorious sound. He was shaking his head at him in mock hopelessness.

“Do you have your pin?” Thrawn asked, changing the subject.

Eli smiled, “Of course I do, but I told you: I can’t wear it on duty. It’s tucked away in my room.”

“When I saw you, you were not wearing it.”

Realization dawned on him. “You thought I changed my mind?”

The Chiss fell silent.

“What…” Eli laughed. “Did you think I chose another Chiss?”

One of Thrawn’s shoulders lifted in a half shrug. “It is conceivable.” 

“No, it’s not!”

“You have been with my people for over a year and without me for just as long.”

“Which is exactly why it’s not conceivable, Thrawn,” Eli explained. “That’s _not_ enough time to get to know _any_ Chiss. Besides, no one - not even the Elite Youth compares to you.”

Thrawn’s eyebrow twitched. “You have met the Elite Youth?”

Eli shrugged, nonchalantly. “Well, yeah…”

Thrawn’s demeanor suggested he saw right through Eli. “What did you think?” he asked, with an air of someone who knew you had done something wrong. 

“I mean, they were _nice_ ,” the human said innocently. 

_Nice. Promising. Strong. Brilliant. And rarely preferred to wear shirts when training._

“Anyway,” Eli continued as Thrawn smirked. “The point is: I still want _you._ Always.”

“The feeling is mutual,” Thrawn told him, still grinning.

A moment passed.

“You know… _I_ was an Elite Youth.”

Eli chuckled, his facial features brightening. “I know,” he said proudly. “I saw your picture.”

Thrawn smiled. He sighed heavily. What he would give to see that stunning smile in person…

“Speaking of things you have seen,” Thrawn said. “Thrass told me you received my letter.”

Eli’s eyes widened slightly and he nodded, his cheeks turning pink.

Thrawn noted the increase in the human’s facial glow, even through the holo. His heart warmed at the sight. “You appreciated it?”

Eli smiled. “Of course I appreciated it. It was the only thing I had for months that reminded me of you.”

“Were the memories not sufficient?”

Eli sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Sometimes. It’s not the same.”

“No, it is not,” Thrawn whispered, an odd vulnerability to his voice. “I have thought about you, Eli.”

Eli’s heart ached as he fought the stinging in his nose and throat. “ _Come home_ , Thrawn.”

Red eyes shifted, thoughtfully. Eli hoped he was going to tell him something he wanted to hear. But the moment passed. 

“I do not know when I will return,” he said, his voice sounding wooden. _Or if I even can._

Eli looked away, gaining no sense of comfort. “Tell me it’s worth it,” he whispered. “Don’t tell me this is all for nothing.” 

An unexpected high-pitched ping startled both of them. Eli looked at his com display, but it was Thrawn who had gotten the alert. His eyes skimmed over what Eli assumed was text, then turned back to the human. “ _Vah ch’acah_ , I must go.”

Eli’s chest tightened; his stomach churned. Air seemed heavy; more difficult to breathe in. Thrawn couldn’t leave yet. There was so much more he had to tell him.

“I apologize again, Eli,” Thrawn said, meeting his troubled gaze with calm. “If I made you feel invalid, before. I should not desire to own your life. Forgive me, for my selfishness.”

Eli smiled reassuringly at him. “There’s nothing to forgive. Perhaps you’re simply spending too much time around humans.”

Thrawn grinned back, a knowing look in his eye. “Perhaps.” 

Eli reached out instinctively, before his mind registered the impossible feat, to feel Thrawn through his projection. Thrawn, too, extended his hand as if to meet Eli’s. 

_I pray I never stop reaching out. And one day, I will reach you._

The human’s hand twitched in expectation when blue fingers should have bumped into his. Where he should have felt the coolness of Thrawn’s fingertips, he felt only empty air. He averted his brown eyes from the sight of their overlapping hands to meet Thrawn’s luminous ones. His eyes bore into Eli’s in the way he remembered, not out of anger, but of longing and love. Judging by the intensity of his gaze, he was pretty sure Thrawn would hurdle himself through the holoframe before him if it was feasible. 

Time did not exist in this moment, yet the shimmering white-blue image before him provided a harsh reminder that today was not the day they would reach each other. The distance stretching between them was all too real, and too impossibly far. No amount of time, no amount of staring into Thrawn’s eyes could lessen that distance.

Thrawn dropped his hand away, so Eli lowered his.

“My sun and all my stars,” Eli whispered.

Thrawn’s smile was wearily tender. “Take care of yourself,” he finished. 

_Click._

_Fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy cow! Thanks for reading, kudos-ing, and/or commenting the ~~Second?~~ ~~First?~~ …this part of Chaos and Art.
> 
> I’m currently working on Whatever Necessary, the sequel to Just Lead Me Home and I am stupidly _excitedterrified_ about it! 
> 
> In it, Eli and Thrawn attempt to navigate their new roles, discovering together what that looks like for their relationship. When the powers that be realize the need for a veteran commander, Thrawn is secretly reinstated into the Fleets and given a brand new ship. With Eli at his side, the Chiss departs from Csilla with what he believes will defeat the Grysks and heads off to what will eventually be known as The First Battle of the Civil War.
> 
> If you guys wanna take this ride with me, I’d be ecstatic to share it with you!  
> I have a solid idea and plan of where this story is going, but I’m feeling no small amount of terror since the chapters are not written. So _*deep breath*_ here we go. 
> 
> Any tips, tricks, comments, or critiques are, of course, always welcomed. 
> 
> And to top off the longest end note ever:  
>  _Elite Youth_ : late teens and early twenties Chiss warriors who have been selected and placed in a fast track program for leadership in the CEDF. I made them up, but they sound wonderful. : )

**Author's Note:**

> The title of this fic is from a line in the song "Outnumbered" by Dermot Kennedy.


End file.
